Funny Shit

[zer0]

Check this link (http://rinkworks.com/stupid/) out. Seriously, check it out. There truly is no limit to human stupidity (http://rinkworks.com/stupid/cs_calls.shtml). Sometimes, in my darkest moments, I thank my lucky stars I'm not working in tech support. I think it'd only be a matter of days before I just flipped out from rage and killed someone.

From the website:

Customer: "I have just received your software, but I have these plastic things, what are they?"
Tech Support: "Could you describe them please?"
Customer:: "They are black plastic, thin, and square."
Tech Support:: "Anything else?"
Customer:: "They have a metal bit on one edge."
Tech Support:: "Disks?"
Customer:: "Well, I don't know, do I? I just brought your package. What do I do with them?"

I see a horrible call ahead, and the customer is quite irate already.

Tech Support:: "Put the disks in the drive."
Customer:: "What's a drive?"
Tech Support:: "The slot in your machine that looks just the right size for the disk."
Customer:: "Which machine?"
Tech Support:: "Do you have a hard drive?"
Customer:: "I have two boxes. One has a picture on it."
Tech Support:: "Put the first disk in, metal side first."
Customer:: "Ok. It's gone in."
Tech Support:: "Go to the 'start' button, then run, then type 'setup'."
Customer:: "My computer isn't on. How do I turn it on?"
Tech Support:: "Push the button by the drive to eject the disk, and press the button that says 'power' on the machine without the pictures on it."
Customer:: "Ok. Done."
Tech Support:: "Now put in the disk, go to start, run, and type 'setup'."
Customer:: "Oh, it's all working now. Thanks, but your software isn't very easy to use, is it?"

[King Mongo]

tech support calls are always funny. Oh, the stories I could tell (but don't).

[Nikkoru]

How did that person have the brain cells to use his or her phone?.. let alone make a monatary transaction to aquire the disks in the first place.. :confused:

[zer0]

tech support calls are always funny. Oh, the stories I could tell (but don't).

Oh, c'moooooooon! Tell! Tell! You know you want too! Teeeeeeell!

[Brent]

Do do do do do!

Consider it practice writing.

[King Mongo]

Oh, c'moooooooon! Tell! Tell! You know you want too! Teeeeeeell!
Oh, alright. The only one that comes to mind isn't exactly funny, tho--more like scary. I'll share later, tho, i've been doing some uh...research...on my "online dating" article, and have easily consumed all my available "goof off" time at work for the day :P

[zer0]

It can't be any worse than this though, right? Right?


Customer: "I can't do this button right."
Tech Support: "Come again?"
Customer: "I can't do this button on the screen. It says I have to click on this button, but I can't seem to figure it right."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, exactly how are you trying to click on the screen?"
Customer: "Well, I'm pressing the button on the screen with the mouse thing."
Tech Support: "Wait a second -- are you touching the screen?"
Customer: "Of course! I'm pressing the mouse thing on the button!"

The client was physically touching the screen with the mouse. I had her put her poor mouse down onto its mouse pad and vainly tried to explain to her the relationship between mouse and cursor. She didn't get it. It was like a video game that was too hard for her.

Tech Support: "Move the cursor onto the button that says 'Next'."
Customer: "Ok...ok...come on, move over there...come on come on comeoncomeoncomeon...DAMMIT, I went past it! Ok, get back there, come on you stupid thing...come one...OK! OK, I GOT IT ON THERE! IT'S ON THE BUTTON!!!"
Tech Support: (face in hands) "Now press the button on the mouse.
Customer: "Nothing happens."
Tech Support: "Are you pressing the right button or the left button?"
Customer: "How am I supposed to know which one is the right one to press?"
Tech Support: "Not right as in 'correct;' right as in 'the opposite of left.'"
Customer: "Oh. Yes, I'm pressing the right one."
Tech Support: "You need to press the left one."
Customer: "But I'm left-handed, and I want to press the other one."

[King Mongo]

It can't be any worse than this though, right? Right?
My personal one is scary. My favorite one from the outside world is below. I've actually adopted the analogy "you know the thing attached to your computer that looks like a tv? what do you see on it?" line when dealing with customers, family, even friends (remember that one weekend, Brent?):


Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations).

"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move your cursor around the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know?"

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so".

Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"Yes it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer".

"I can't reach it."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes. The office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power failure."

"A power.... a power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now."

"Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, unplug your system, and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too f---ing stupid to own a computer."

[Brent]

(remember that one weekend, Brent?)When I taught you how to use the remote control? Yeah, crazy, man, crazy.

Whatchoo talking about, Martin?

[King Mongo]

When I taught you how to use the remote control? Yeah, crazy, man, crazy.

Whatchoo talking about, Martin?
That's M-O-N-G-O.

Nigga.

Anyway, I'll tell you about the crazy client I had in written form, soon...

[zer0]

That's M-O-N-G-O.

I've always wondered about that; is the name "Mongo" supposed to be like the mongoloid "Mongo"? Or that Mongo guy from Mel Brook's Blazing Saddles? You know: "Mongo only pawn in game of life."

I must say I like this story, though. It almost beats the one you posted in terms of sheer stupidity. Almost.


Customer: "There is smoke coming from the back of the computer. What should I do?"
Tech Support: "Get out of the computer room and call the fire department."
Customer: "Should I make a backup first?"
Tech Support: "Get out of the computer room and call the fire department."
Customer: "Shouldn't I at least run the shutdown procedure?"
Tech Support: "Get out of the computer room and call the fire department."

[King Mongo]

I've always wondered about that; is the name "Mongo" supposed to be like the mongoloid "Mongo"? Or that Mongo guy from Mel Brook's Blazing Saddles? You know: "Mongo only pawn in game of life."

I must say I like this story, though. It almost beats the one you posted in terms of sheer stupidity. Almost.
Ooh, that's a good one. Short & sweet.

Yeah, you got it--I took the name from Blazing Saddles . My old .sig is Mongo only pawn, in game of life. I would go by Mongo more often, but some ass stole the domain name before me, and also there was this top 10 ranked Quake II player named Mongo, and people were always gunning for me like crazy and I was good, but not top 10 good, so I inserted the "King" to get a little distinction.

And, that's where I'm at, dawg. You know?

[zer0]

Martin be representin' that mad Mongo-flava, yo! I's see what you is sayin', bro! I's DOWN wit dat, yo! Word up!

I liked that story, too. Here's more from the "short and sweet" cathegory:


We replaced a large number of very old PCs with the latest and greatest. This meant that new techonology was being introduced to users who had previously used dumb terminals or 16mhz 386s.

One user asked if he could use his cdrom to play music CDs. I said he could, but he would need speakers or headphones. He replied that he didn't have either, but in the mean time, he would listen to the music coming out of the little hole (headphone jack). I nodded and left quickly.

[Carlos]

haha. great stories Zer0.. Riktigt kul.

this is probably my favorite which I heard from a friend who worked as a tech support in the mid-90's.. maybe not as stupid as the ones you've told
but hey... it's stupid.

My Tech Supporting Friend: Tech Support, Hello, can I help?
Customer: Yes, there's a problem with my computer.
Tech Support: What is it?
Customer: Well, there's nothing wrong with the screen and the
software, but my mugholder has been broken.
Tech Support: mugholder? what's a mugholder?
Customer: You know, the thing attached to the computer
where you put your'e mug of coffee.
Tech Support: What do you mean, where on your computer do you have
the mugholder?
Customer: You know, a such thing where you put a thing, like in a car.
It's on a big box beside my screen. You push a button and
the mugholder comes out.
Tech Support: Is it a wide, square thing with a big rounded hole in it?
Customer: Yes exactly, a big hole were you can put your mug or cup.
Tech Support: In what way have you broken your.. err... mugholder.
Customer: I've spilled coffee on it, and it won't come out of the computer
again. I thought that it would work, as I figured that mugholders would
be allright to spill coffee on, as it is a mugholder.
Tech Support: Allright.... first I can tell you that it isn't a mugholder, it's
a CD-drive.
Customer: A what?
Tech Support: A place where you can run software CD-Rom-discs and music CD's.
Customer: I can run software with what?
Tech Support: It's called CD, Compact Disc, It's like a normal disc but with more
space. It's round and metalic and fits perfectly in your "cupholder". You put in a
CD in there and then it will run like a normal disc.
Customer: (long break) Ok.. But does this mean that I can't put my coffee mug there?
Tech Support: No.

[zer0]

Hej, Carlos! Tack, jag är glad att Du tycker det!

Here's more of teh funny, this time detailing the IQ-level of cops:


A friend at work had to visit a police station to work on a Clipper database recording parking fines. Before he started work he made sure to check that the staff had a backup of the database in case anything went wrong.

"Oh yes, every evening we back it up onto a floppy disk and take it over to the other building and lock it in a fire-proof safe."

"Very good," said my colleague, impressed at their security-consciousness -- if only all our customers could be so efficient! But then something they'd said made him pause. "Wait a minute - did you say a floppy disk? You mean you back up the whole database onto a single diskette?"

"Yes, that's right. Just one."

"But this diskette can only hold 1.44 Mb of data -- you've got over ten megabytes in this system. What exactly do you do to make the backup?"

So they showed him. Every day they'd religiously inserted a fresh diskette into the drive, typed "FORMAT A:", and, "backup complete," they deposited the newly formatted, but quite empty, diskette in the safe.

Before starting his work, my friend showed them how to really make a backup, which was fortunate for my friend, if not for the local parking offenders, as a week later the PC in question suffered a complete hard-drive failure.

[Nicole]

My favourite in the technical help desk stupidity category is always 'the Chronicles of George'. Unfortunately I don't think the website is up and running anymore, but there's always a Google cache! (http://www.google.com.au/search?q=cache:aMcEI4OVGfcJ:chroniclesofgeorge.nanc.com/+chronicles+of+george&hl=en)


Huzzah.

[zer0]

Yeah, George is teh funny. Talk about havening problems, alright.