TopWebComics Vote-a-Thon!(tm)

[Cappy Ahab]

Okay, everybody. The rules are simple:

First person to vote zer0's "Comix by zer0" into the:

Top 100 gets 5 pts.

Top 75 gets 10 pts.

Top 50 gets 15 pts.

Top 25 gets 25 pts.

Any of the top 10 positions: 30 pts. a piece.

Voter who pushes it to #1 gets a whopping 75 pts.

Go here (http://www.topwebcomics.com/Default.aspx) and vote now. Comix by zer0 is currently on page 2, but not for long, if you play hard!

P.S. You can vote once per day, so time your attacks wisely! Ninjae welcome!

[Nicole]

I voted and he stayed at 118! I'm a failure. My voting power has waned.

[zer0]

*Sniff!* Ah, you love me! You really do love me!

Thank you, my Fine Forum Friends! Soon, the whole world shall know of the fury that is the Sausagedogs!

Which reminds me: must update page sometime soon!

EDIT: Thanks for voting, Nicole! Don't worry about the voting power thang, the page has probably built up some kind of natural immunity to your poison now. Or something.

[Ken]

It was at 98 when I voted (on the first page), and now it's 67! My vote kicked ass!

[zer0]

Whee, I'm on the first page! Thank you Ken! Keep on voting it harder like a magikist!

[Brent]

73! I'm a retardated voter!

[Cappy Ahab]

Ken picks up a whopping 15 pts. Next vote could tie it...if it makes Comix break the top 50.

Go!

[Jeff]

Hey! I voted before Ken! I must have gotten it to break 100! Ken's a cheating cheater who lies lies all over the place! You cheater!

By the way, if you could see your way to sending me a signed copy of Homeless Man #1, I'd be most appreciative. Liar!

[Jeff]

Oh! Oh! Guess what Jason discovered? (Jason being my cousin who only Ken and Brent know) He has the ORIGINAL MANUSCRIPT to Squadron Supreme #1! HOLY COW!

[Brent]

OH. MY. GOD.

We need to scan that into NA!P, stat!

[Jeff]

Dude! Were you listening to me? I said JASON has it! Nobody is ever going to see it ever again!

[Nicole]

Dude, every time I vote, nothing seems to happen. But now all of a sudden zer0 is on the front page! Must be some kind of time release voting...

[Jeff]

Dammit. I just knocked him from 64 to 55. Someone is gonna get some big points!

[Nicole]

Shouldn't we be voting for Dwarflover as well? Or is it sitting this one out, doomed to failure forever thanks to zer0?

[Jeff]

Dwarflover used to have a voting site somewhere. But I think it broke the system with all its 'I ain't gonna raise no taxes' raising taxes lies it told. Plus it had a super huge gay halfling following that kept jamming the web comic bandwidth with gerbils and traffic cones.

[Cappy Ahab]

Whoo hoo! I pushed it to 49! 15 pts for me.

Ken=15
Cappy=15
All others=0

But you knew that. Race you to 25!

Nicole, click on the click here thingy after you vote, or refresh the listing after you vote. Then your true alstralian voting potency will be revealed.

By the way, Comix by is about one vote away from cracking the top 10 on the Crazy list category. First person to get him into the top 10 Crazy list gets 7.58 super secret bonus points. zer0 himself will earn 2 semi-secret bonus points if he has a banner prepared by that point, and will be deducted 1 penalty point if he does not.

[Ken]

Yay! Zer0's #44 on the main page and #10 on the Crazy Comics page after my monster vote. So I get the super secret bonus points! Man, I win all of Cappy's games.

[Jeff]

Gah! You lying cheater! I was the one that broke him into the top ten! This game is rigged and being won by a cheater!

[Jeff]

Ken, log on to Fedora. Unless you're at work and can't or something.

[Cappy Ahab]

Ken=22.58
Cappy=15
zer0=2

Ken, if you can identify three qualities that zer0 is seeking in a sausage dog, you will earn .42 bonus points.

I don't want to have to add your decimals up for the rest of the game.

Also, don't get cocky, kid. Remember when Luke Skywalker blew up the tie fighter and started crowing about it? Well, then all of sudden he got into a car wreck during corvette summer, had to dance for a robot underwater in his underwear and then found out his dad was James Earl Jones in a fire hydrant suit. To top it all off, he had to star in Return of the Jedi.

So watch yoself.

[Brent]

My vote sent him down to 44! I really am retardated

[zer0]

Meh, retardated is as retardated does. Or duhs. Or something.

Wow! Top 10 in the "crazy" section! If my mother could only see me now. Actually, I think she can! Hi mom!

And I have a banner prepared, too! Woo! Two points to moi!

[Ken]

Jeff, I'm at work, so I can't log on to Fedora. Plus your post was like from 10 hours ago, so you're probably off by now.

Three qualities zer0 looks for in a sausage dog:
1) super strength
2) a keen sense of self-worth
3) taco flavoring

[Jeff]

Oooh! Ken! You stole those qualities from our conversation we had when we were on Fedora! You big cheater!

Where's my copy of Homeless Man?

[Cappy Ahab]

Ken=23
Cappy=15
zer0=2
Jeff= -1 (For lying).

Now get back to work (voting work, not work work.)

[Jeff]

Oh yeah Mister Pirate Judge and Jury!? Obviously, you missed the post where I said Ken was the liar. I blamed Ken first so I should be right! Ken is the liar!

Ooooh. Dang Whalers are cheaters!

[Cappy Ahab]

+1.375 points to Jeff for the tasty logic pretzel.

-1.375 points to Jeff for calling Ken a liar again.

[Ken]

Sometime before I moved to CO, I came across all our old issues of our old comics. Logic and common sense would say that I must have packed them and brought them along with me. But then again, it's me we're talking about. Molly probably knows where they are.

[Jeff]

Yes! I need to call Molly and tell her to find those comics! I mean, ask her politely whether she knows where liar Ken left his cheating comics.

[Cappy Ahab]

And tell Molly to vote!

All other monkeys, vote as well. Comix has hit some slippage.

[Brent]

Molly don't have no ePipes that aren't Ken's.

Unless she does...

Do you know where your wife is right now, Ken?

Ken?

KEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

[Cappy Ahab]

Who cares, did ye vote?

Here? (http://www.topwebcomics.com/Default.aspx)

For Comix by zer0?

Points aplenty (secret and otherwise) to be had!

Unless you are Molly. Apparently.

[Ken]

I voted today. But the results were so unmemorable, I didn't say anything. Molly can't vote. She has no arms.

[Cappy Ahab]

It's slipping off the charts! Man your battle stations! Man your battle stations!

[Ken]

I'm doing everything I can to keep it in the top 50--and failing. A little help here!

[Cappy Ahab]

Can't your hoodlum friends do anything?

[Brent]

They could vote from the page itself! W00t!

[zer0]

Relax, everybody! Once it hits like 100-120 it'll stabilize. Just hang in there!

[Brent]

This thread makes me feel all jumpy, like I just drank a gallon of Peet's coffee.

*twitch*

OMG w3 @R3 |\|07 70p huNN3r7 OMG!

[zer0]

Yes we are! We're in place 53. r3|_@X d00d!

[Nicole]

Y'know, i'm not sure this voting thing's all it's cracked up to be. I'm voting every day and it's doing nothing! NOOOOTTTHIIING.

*shakes fist*

I'm so easily bewildered by things I don't understand. Like kids Guns n Roses tribute bands. Pre-cut and packaged vegetables. Cappy.

[zer0]

You don't have to vote, Nic! There's no pressure here or anything! Damn that Cappy for making this into a contest and pressuring innocent Alstralian lassies into constant stress-voting!

[Nicole]

Well, it's not like it takes effort :) I just want something to show for my lack of effort, damnit!

[Jeff]

Take heart! You have a frustration over the lack of anything to show to show for it.

[Nicole]

Those Engrish lessons are really paying off, Jeff.

[zer0]

Man, Engrish rules! (http://www.engrish.com/recent_detail.php?imagename=happyputonit.jpg&category=Clothing&date=2004-01-15)

[Brent]

OMG LOL l337 r0x0r$

[zer0]

Take your Ritalin, Brent! C'mon, hurry!

[Nicole]

When I get home, i'll make a post about some great Engrish things I got from a store here in BrisVegas called "The iLife Factory." Man, I love that place.

For now, though, i'll just spam you all with useless crap to up my post count, because I feel so inadequate. Except I have more than Ken now, so I must be manly.

SPAM.

[Brent]

Well, Ken does have a proper American job that works him 14 hours a day, gives him heartburn and ulcers and would flay him with a million tiny crystaline knives should they discover he posts on a board full of whalers, Alstralians and comic-freaks.

[Nicole]

Those are the best kinds of people.

[zer0]

Amen!

[Brent]

dR!n|< @ 20000000 cU9$ 0f 900d |\/|0r|\|1n9 @m3!R1c@

[Brent]

LOL LOL y3r h3d @$pL0d3!

[Nicole]

*kicks Brent's brain*

[Cappy Ahab]

Who are the best, freaks and alstralians or those who flay them?

I think Dr. Phil's next book is going to deal with this issue.

[Brent]

h3d @$pL0d3 OMG!

[Nicole]

I think we need to get some drugs to Brent, stat.

[Cappy Ahab]

Typo, Brent. You are starting to write like our resident American badon, Ken Rock.

[zer0]

OMG i7$ $9rE@|)i|\|g!

[Brent]

zer0, calm down. You're driving my eyes nuts.

[zer0]

But you were the one who started... and I... And... then... well, you... And and... ARGH! Lay of the peet's, boyee!

[Cappy Ahab]

Did anyone catch my funny "Ken Rock" reference? Wasn't that humorous? Didn't "American Badon" just put it over the top? I bet Unregistered Amy Molly goes around singing Ken's themesong "I wanna be a Plowboy" all the time.

Ken, have you ever considered a career in agriculture?

Oh, also, VOTE! (http://www.topwebcomics.com)

[Brent]

Say, didn't I meet Unregistered Amy at Ken's party? She was drunk. She wanted me.

[Ken]

Dude, that was Jeff.

[Jeff]

She was with her boyfriend who I thought was her brother. She wanted me because she hated me but not really. It was so third grade.

[Ken]

You're talking about the wrong person, Jeff. Amy was the wasted one who was with her boyfriend. Jennifer was the one with her brother. Jennifer wanted Jeff, but hated him. Jeff wanted Brent, but hated Ken.

[Brent]

Is she still Unregistered? Because if she is, HOOOOO BOY! Watch out, Denverites! Brent's a COMIN'!

To town, that is.

Denverians?

[Ken]

Amy's Registered--at Macy's I think since she's getting married. Jennifer is far too Catholic to ever get registered properly.

[Brent]

I'm never coming to Denver again

[Jeff]

I don't remember there being two girls who I thought were with their brothers. I'm confused. They didn't want to play games anyway. Losers.

[zer0]

Man! Names, names, names! Your entire lives must be like a soap opera!

[Cappy Ahab]

It's very easy if you just remember these words from the not-late great Surfers:

Jeffrey out with Amy
And Amy got displeased
She was nicking Nicole's outlook
On the Topic of disease.
Brent he had a drunkard's scar and Kenny was a racist
They all loved Unregistered
They were doing it in Texas
Molly played piano like a kid out in the rain
Then she lost a leg in Dallas
She was dancing with a train
They were all in love with dyin'
They were drinking from a fountain
That was pouring like an avalanche
Coming down the mountain

CHORUS:

I don't mind the sun sometimes
the images it shows
I am patently offended by
This comic of zer0's
Cinammon and sugary
and softly spoken lies
You never just how you look
through other peoples eyes

Some will die in hot pursuit
In fiery auto crashes
Some will die in hot pursuit
while sifting thru DICK'S ashes
Some will fall in love with life
and drink it from a fountain
that is pouring like an avalanche
coming down the mountain

CHORUS

Another Kendal took a knife
while arguing in traffic
Chocolate died a natural death
she caught a nasty virus
Then there was the ever-present
football player rapist
They were all in love with Grinchypoo
They were doing it in Texas
Acharne caught a bullet
but it only hit his leg
well it should have been a better shot
and got him in the head

They were all in love with dyin'
They were drinking from a fountain
That was pouring like an avalanche
coming down the mountain.
----
Now do you get it?

[zer0]

...

...

...

...

...think you could sell me some of those drugs you're on? You seem to have good quality narcotics in Minneapolis!

PS: Start a damn recording career, foo!

[Jeff]

But how do I remember Cappy?

[zer0]

Just remember the talking magic whale, my friend.

[Cappy Ahab]

Give him a cameo in Dwarf Lover.

[zer0]

Won't the blowhole appear outside of frame?

[Jeff]

I thought I told you, I figured out how to do the cameo. I just haven't worked it out with my logic pretzels where in the story to cram it in.

[Cappy Ahab]

Yeah, and make me the captain of an army of logic pretzels!(tm)

Yeah!


And if I may add: Yeah!

[Jeff]

Not only will I do a cameo, how would you like to WRITE AN EPISODE OF DWARFLOVER!? This offer has never been offered as an offereing to the general public until now (except late at night via Mr. Popeil).

[Cappy Ahab]

What? You mean you don't have the entire script laid out in advance?

My universe crumbles.

And b) okay. The only problem is that I'll probably just post the script to the forum, because I forget that people actually read the board.

Oh, and how much is it going to cost me. I'm still pretty tapped out from a recent cameo for hire scam.

[Jeff]

Oh boy. The script is SO laid out. All the way through to the end of the Tomb. Maybe the dialogue isn't actually worked out to perfection. But the major plot points are all figured out. Including the horrible Make a Mix Tape for Bethany episode. I can't wait for that one.

And it won't cost any money because it will probably happen just a few weeks after the cameo happens.

Besides which, you paid Ken for a cameo. And Ken doesn't write anything.

[zer0]

Yeah, I've been wondering about that! What does Ken do?? You and Brent (and me and Ahab) all have our separate features wich we contribute to, but Ken never seems to do anything!

Man, I feel like Vern in "Stand by me", asking what the hell Goofy really is.

"Man! That's weird! What the hell does Ken do?!"

[Jeff]

I know! If we had a headquarters at least he could clean the toilets. But I guess all he really does is Unregistered.

[zer0]

Sounds like he's working for the CIA.

[Cappy Ahab]

Promenade du feu avec moi.

Or at least vote at at TopWebTrailmix (http://www.TopWebComics.com) already.

For Comix.

By zer0.

[Brent]

Well, Ken did recently write a New News story under his psuedonym, which means he's fulfilled his quota for 2004.

And he's sent me some ideas for stories, like the Lesbian Over Bacon bit.

But he's at this best when he's sending me cash.

[zer0]

Well, Ken did recently write a New News story under his psuedonym

Ken is "Cappy Ahab"?

[zer0]

Man, I just looked at some of the other comics which constitute my "competition" at Topwebcomics! I honestly don't know where all their votes are coming from! All of them are either a really shitty ripoff of "Penny Arcade" or some sort of really shitty and crappily drawn "manga" featuring furries. Have the other cartoonists discovered some kinda bug which enables them to vote more than once a day, or what?

[Cappy Ahab]

No, they probably concocted some idiot scheme to recruit posters from useless forums to spend their days and nights scrambling from computer to computer, voting from distinct IPs.

Wouldn't that be lame?

Now vote, Molly, vote!

[Brent]

Ken likes to be "Tucker H. Johnson."

For some reason.

[zer0]

...they probably concocted some idiot scheme to recruit posters from useless forums to spend their days and nights scrambling from computer to computer, voting from distinct IPs.

Heh, dude, I didn't force you to vote. I just humbly asked y'all to do it, if you wanted to. You were the one who started the contest, remember? :)

[Cappy Ahab]

I wasn't accusing you of idiot schemes, for pete's sake.

Sheesh, you take everything so personally, Jerkface from Dumb Stupid Swedish-type Nation. I mean that in a general sense, not you specifically.

And don't call me dude. That's derogatory and stereotypical towards my Dude-American Heritage. Besides, I'm seven-quarters Samoan.

[Brent]

(Cappy is so happy he isn't in Jeff's, Ken's and Brent's email exchange, all of which generally start or end [or both] with Dude.)

[Cappy Ahab]

If you begin and end with a dude, does that make you gay or just Swedish?

[Jeff]

Instead of Dude, I'm going to start calling people Swede.

Unfortunately, most people will probably think I'm saying Sweet!

Swede, people are stupid.

Swede, Who Stole My Car?

[Cappy Ahab]

Swede, that rocks, Swede. I always wanted to be a cowboy. Maybe I'll go to a Swede ranch. They make you wear blue Swede shoes.

[zer0]

I'M A HOUSEHOLD NAME! I SHALL BECOME IMMORTAL!!!

[Cappy Ahab]

Yeah, you are a regular Swedelander, Duncan McSwede.

[zer0]

Swede, just don't cut off my head. You need to keep it firmly attatched to live here in Duden.