Secret Mission

[Brent]

I'm on a secret mission! My secret mission will last until Monday!

Wish me well on my secret mission! And if you never hear from me again, notify the press about me and my secret mission!

[Cappy Ahab]

Must...discover...secret...mission.

[Brent]

Ew! Cappy! You can assist me with an article for Monday's or Tuesday's publish!

Awesome how these things come together, eh?

(Returns to the shadows... of mystery!)

[Nicole]

Are you coming to Alstralia?

[Brent]

Nah, I was in Chicago for a surprise birthday party. My friend sometimes checks out these boards, so I didn't want to say "I'm going to Chicago."

Mission accomplished.

[Nicole]

Oh, woe is me.

[Brent]

I wanna come out but Quantas told me my NA!P currency was no good. I was like, whatever and they were like, uh-huh and I was like, dudes and they were like, no and shit.

[Nicole]

Quantas are frauds. You should talk to Qantas, instead.

[Jeff]

Quantas only flies between Mexico and Taiwan.

[Cappy Ahab]

Yeah, and they don't land at either place. They do, however, comprehend the proper use of the vowel "u" in conjunction with the consonant "q"

[zer0]

Not Quantas, definetly. No. Not Quantas. No. Quantas never crashed. Definetly. Yeah.

[Nicole]

Queensland and Northern Territory Aerial Services wins! You lose!

[Cappy Ahab]

Hmpf. Don't you mean Qeensland?

I mean, would it have killed them to call it Queensland Unified and Northern Territory Aerial Service or something? Then we all could be happy.

Except Jeff. He's off meds.

And has rejoined Up With People. (http://www.dimensional.com/~jbettin/uwp-d80/)

[Jeff]

That's me in the front row! Second from the far right.

[Brent]

Our right or their right?

I'm the guy clutching at the chick in the 2nd row, fifth person from our right!

I was so cool. And she totally wanted me.

[Cappy Ahab]

So Ken's the guy with the white beret?

[Jeff]

I typed and then took out the part where I said, "Our right, dumby". True story! (No, sincerely, that's exactly what happened) So, even if y'all don't believe it, I'm laughing my ass off that Brent asked the question he asked. My world is beautiful.

Dumby!

[Jeff]

Man, that guy IS Brent. Also, Ken is the black guy next to Brent.

[Jeff]

I find myself staring deeply into this picture. I'm fucking mesmerized.

My God, it's full of stars.

[zer0]

Waaaait... You really were in Up With People?

I mean really?

That's actually pretty cool if'n it's true. My girlfriend was in Up With People once!

[Jeff]

I've never heard of Up With People before Cappy posted it.

I wish I was in it. I wish I was that guy. I wish Ken hadn't forced me to lie like I did.

I'm sorry.

[Brent]

Man, I wish I were *that* guy in the last row, three from our right.

He is very cool.

[Cappy Ahab]

Are you sure you aren't? Foofy hair and a hankering for pinewood...I'm not so sure...

[zer0]

I've never heard of Up With People before Cappy posted it.

I wish I was in it. I wish I was that guy. I wish Ken hadn't forced me to lie like I did.

I'm sorry.

I forgive you. Its obvious you are not naturally evil, but were only lying because Ken promised you could hang out with him and his hoodlum friends in the pool hall if you did, and that he'd teach you how to smoke .

[Brent]

Originally posted by zer0
...because Ken promised you could hang out with him and his hoodlum friends in the pool hall if you did, and that he'd teach you how to smoke .

That's one of the funniest things I've ever read about Ken. Ken -- in zer0's world, you aren't you!

[Jeff]

Ewwww! Obviously, Ken has woven such a deceitfully pleasent picture of himself that even Brent is fooled! I'll expose the truth, Ken you cheater liar!

[Cappy Ahab]

Ken the Hood was a hoodlum up to no good in the neighborhood. He wore motorcycle boots, a motorcycle jacket and a motorcycle helmet. Except the motorcycle helmet was a badguy one, not a safe one. It had a skull painted on it and it was cracked so if he crashed he would have died but he wasn't dead because he hadn't crashed yet! (That is a foreshadow, which means something is coming that you don't expect even though you were given a clue about it so you feel stupid when the surprise happens. Hint: the surprise is Ken the Hood crashes later on his motorcycle.)

But even if he did die, he was such a hoodlum and a bad guy that he would have turned into a zombie. (Another foreshadow.)

Ken the Hood got his hoodlum friends together so they could get up to no good in the neighborhood. When they got together, they started to be up to no good. Right in the neighborhood! Which they called "the 'Hood!" to distinguish it from nicer places to live.

Ken did a badguy stunt on his motorcycle (which he also had that I forgot to tell you about) and then crashed and died, which is what those foreshadows were for.

But he was so bad he became a zombie and turned his whole life around: into a zombie movie! They paid him a million dollars, so he was happy, but was still a zombie. And a badguy.

The moral of the story is: foreshadows can help you not feel like a dummy when the surprise comes, even if the surprise is that Ken the Hood is a zombie at the end of a teenager story. There isn't any more than that (like he didn't ever turn back from a zombie or go to nursing school) which is why this story doesn't end with a question mark but a period. Period.

[Brent]

Wow -- you musta studied the Grunion stuff for years to do that so well! Who knew your devotion? Not me, that's for sure

[Ken]

Damn. And here I thought it took some special skill to write GG stuff. Looks like just about anyone can do it. Which is why we're working on GG Madlibs!

[Jeff]

Not just anyone, cheater. Cappy! Cappy is magickal. Like a whale.

[Cappy Ahab]

a) I hate whales
b) Little maori girls do not climb upon my barnacled back and ride me across the ocean in order to win an Academy Award!(tm) nomination.
3) I'm not a whale.

Therefore, I'm not like a whale.

[Jeff]

Just because you are able to type, 'I'm not a whale', doesn't mean you aren't a mixed-up, typing humpback with a self-hatred complex. I mean, we've all seen it before.

[Brent]

Freak!

[zer0]

No, wait! Cappy -- can you stay under water indefinently? In that case we could use you to dive for sunken treasure!

[Chocolate Ninja]

Heh... Cappy is a whaaaale... Cappy is a whaaale...

[zer0]

Yeah, well, I'm in actuality a large typing combat robot. Sch! I don't think anyone's caught on yet!

Why do they have to make these keyboards so damn small, though? I've already broken 3 of them with my giant, armor-plated laser cannon fingers! And I think the military engineers who built me are starting to suspect that I'm sneaking out of the lab at night to type this stuff.

[Cappy Ahab]

zer0 can't be robot. He Swedish. That make him a Cuisinart(tm).

[Jeff]

Stop changing the subject, Whale! err, Whaler!

Oops.

I meant he's Magic like a Whaler! Sorry! My fault!

[zer0]

"Magic like a whaler" sounds suspiciously like some kind of New Age album starring Yanni or something. Or possibly a song from the 60's:

"Cappy the magic whaler
lived by the sea
and speared the fuck out of every whale
in the land of Honah-Lee...

:D

[Cappy Ahab]

You savages.

Whaling is an art form that reaches beyond canvas, beyond words, beyond images or voice. Whaling is the truth that winnows fog and extends a hand through the heavens, across galaxies to commune with the universal truth: them whales is good eatin'.

[Jeff]

Do you have high-speed access to the net on your whaling vessel? Because you seem to only post while sailing and not when you're at home from your various and sundry injuries. Whaling induced, of course.

[Cappy Ahab]

I hail from both, it is just that recently my home port Cray supercomputer pooped its hard drive across the inner sanctum of my lair, splattering it against the titanium walls. I need to maybe replace it.

[Jeff]

Titanium walls! You are the Evil Genius Mastermind Arch-Nemesis of NA!P!

We'll stop you sooner than later, sir!

GO NA!Pers! Go!

[Cappy Ahab]

You may want to check the brake lines in the NA!Pmobile first.

[Jeff]

Ha! Like we'd use it! Having let the registration lapse and what with its slight electrical problem and horrible carburetor problem. If we could even get it moving, then we'd worry about the brakes.

[zer0]

Man! The NA!Pmobile is such a sleepy car.

[Cappy Ahab]

It is actually a Greyhound bus. Not a used one, an actual functioning one. The NA!Psters have to buy a ticket every time they want to fight crime.

[zer0]

Does it also suddenly explode if the Ironic Reference Humor-level (IRH) on board drops below a certain set value?

[Jeff]

Actually, the NA!P vehicle is the Banned Book Mobile. Otherwise known as my VW van. But, Cappy is right. Currently, it is a Greyhound bus filled with zombies with bags of nickels.

[zer0]

But its still powerd by Ironic Reference Humor, right? Right? That's why you have the site and this forum, yes? You have discovered a cheap, renewable fuel source, and now you need us to help you generate more of it!

[Jeff]

I never reference anything ironically. It's all referenced to support the fact that I actually exist within some sort of semi-cohesive environment which others also partake of. Otherwise, I'd go loony toony.

[zer0]

Yeah, I suppose you're right. Besides, I think referencing things ironically is mainly reserved for GenX librarians, or something.

[Cappy Ahab]

Zombies and bags of nickels...he he. That reminds me of "In the Dungeons of the Slave Lords" for D&D (1st ed.) How in God's name was the party supposed to realize that their loincloths could hold sand and be used as a blackjack to fight off opponents? The guys I played with were doing well if they could remember to keep track of their own hit points.

[Jeff]

Hey, don't spoil the plot of Dwarflover, Chapter Nine! By 2012, people are going to hate you for ruining the big loincloth bag of sand surprise.

[Cappy Ahab]

By then we'll all be enshrined in the Humor Forum Hall of Fame, so it won't matter. It'll be like how everyone knew how the next Star Wars movie after Empire Strikes Back was going to be "Han Solo's Revenge" and Han Solo was going to kill Jabba the Hutt in blaster duel, because Jabba was a big gangster guy, not green wad of Hubba Bubba so easily garrotted by a fairy princess in a bikini dress.


Yeah. Like that.

But seriously, what sort of idiot slaver keeps slaves in line with guards who can be rendered unconcious by a band of naked bag swingers?

[Brent]

*sheepishly realigns slave-guard ratios and arrangements*

[Nicole]

Did someone say.... ZOMBIES? (http://www.uq.net.au/~zznhoye/pics/temp/braaains.jpg)

[Jeff]

Is this the part of the commercial where all the kids come running from outside to partake of the fresh, new zombies?

[Nicole]

Other way 'round.

[Jeff]

Zombies can't run! Liar! Are you ken?

[Nicole]

I thought Ken just cheated! I get so confused with all the debauchery that goes on here.

[zer0]

Zombies can so run! Didn't you see "28 Days Later"?

[Jeff]

Those were post-modern zombies. Since zombies have to represent aspects of society, they are usually slow-paced and slow-witted to show a huge group unthink. But 28 Days Later needed to invoke a zombie myth of an MTV generation where information speeds across the cultural landscape at unparallaled um speeds.

But they don't really count toward the true zombie mythos. They are an exception of a grasping at straws post-modern mentality.

I loved that movie, by the way.

[zer0]

Since zombies have to represent aspects of society, they are usually slow-paced and slow-witted to show a huge group unthink. But 28 Days Later needed to invoke a zombie myth of an MTV generation where information speeds across the cultural landscape at unparallaled um speeds.

OK, so how would you classify the zombies from the "Silent Hill" -series of games, mr. zombie-professor? I don't think they fall into a specific category at all. Hell, they might not even BE zombies for all the player knows. Ha! Answer that one if you can!

[Nicole]

I thought the fist part was pretty neat, and then the latter half just kind of sucked butt. My favourite zombie film of last year was Undead - it fucking ruled.

[Brent]

Does the classic zombie mythos end with the American Baby Boomer generation?


Originally posted by Jeff
Those were post-modern zombies. Since zombies have to represent aspects of society, they are usually slow-paced and slow-witted to show a huge group unthink. But 28 Days Later needed to invoke a zombie myth of an MTV generation where information speeds across the cultural landscape at unparallaled um speeds.

But they don't really count toward the true zombie mythos. They are an exception of a grasping at straws post-modern mentality.

I loved that movie, by the way.

[zer0]

Hey Nicole; did you enjoy that Twin Peaks -site, by the way?

[Brent]

Speaking of which, where is that again? It's lost among our threads...

[zer0]

Right here. (http://lynch.batbad.com/) I'll see you in the trees.

[Nicole]

I haven't had a chance to look at it fully, but it's nifty so far!

[zer0]

Yeah, it takes quite a while before you can see the whole thing. It's totally huge. And surreal. And the different parts are randomly linked to each other. Just like with Lynch's movies!

[Nicole]

I keep getting dead ends.Bah.

[zer0]

Don't take the ring, though! Remember that.

[Nicole]

I can't get past the frickin' television at the moment, so I don't think there's any danger of that. When I got to the Palmer's house, nothing happened either. And I get a dead end in the FBI headquarters too, when the blue wall and flag show up. *stabs randomly*

[zer0]

You have to p a t i e n t l y explore every room. The Palmer house yields some pretty horrible (and shocking) secrets, trust me! You just have to wait for them. Explore everywhere and be patient.

Oh, and the TV set takes you to different scenes. You just have to change the channels and then enter the screen! :)

[Nicole]

Change channels, eh?

Well, I got a traffic light just now, and it's taken me to a spot of road and i'm just kind of sitting there watching the traffic lights change.

I hate it when I suck at these games.

[zer0]

Explore the woods, Laura... Explore the woods..!

EDIT: Sometimes (a lot of the times) you have to scroll the screen sideways to see points on the page where you can click. It helps if you view the page in full screen!

[Nicole]

I'm getting a funny feeling it's not working in my browser properly, because no images are showing up as links to click on.

SPAMMITY SPAM.

[Cappy Ahab]

28 Days Later zombies are a day late and a dollar short and a Phyllis Diller shy of a six pack. Very cool though and scary.

It is one thing to "re-vision" the structure of zombies for an updated audience. It is another thing to make a new monster. I mean, for goodness sakes, the next thing you know, some big shot director will "re-vision" Dracula as a queeny werewolf absinthe-drunk dandy with a Keanu Reeves fetish. But that won't magically turn Gary Oldman, Tim Robbins, Gary Coleman or any other Hollywood master they dupe into playing the part into Dracula.

28 Days Later made a new monster: a derivative of the zombie class, but not a zombie.

[zer0]

I'm getting a funny feeling it's not working in my browser properly, because no images are showing up as links to click on.

Not sure how you mean here. There are no "buttons" per say, just areas of the background where you can click. In my browser, the arrow changes to the little hand-thingy, indicating that you can click at a specific location. Doesn't this happen on your system?

[Nicole]

In some parts, yes. But nothing in that stretch of road/woods/anything will change the arrow to a hand and clickyclicky. Hrmph.

[zer0]

Try exploring the woods behing the road with the pointer after scrolling the screen to the right. I think that worked for me(?).

[Brent]

I just got BOBed

[zer0]

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! FIRE, WALK WITH MEEEE!!!!!

[kendalchen]

WOW BOB WOW