View Full Version : Mongo sucks! Matrix rules!
Cappy Ahab
11-21-2003, 07:24 AM
Silly Mongo, Matrix are for squids!
Actually, I saw the Matrix (the first one) once on VHS when I was living in a trailer on the outskirts of civilization. A toddler had recently sat upon the video cassette player and dented it, so the audio was kind of off and the top sixth of the screen was bent (just like Beckham does it.)
I hear that it used some innovative special effects. Is this true?
I haven't bothered to see the other two Matrices because I no longer have the dented video cassette player (got my foot caught in it and accidentally smashed the facing). Are they any good? I mean, despite your somewhat "negative" review. I know Brent pays you to say bad things: that's a critic's job. I heard that the latest one has Barney in it!
Whee!
The first movie is so-so. The second one sucked so much ass that it could have participated for free at an analingus festival.
Basically, the "Big shocker" (woooo!) of the second movie was that the city of Zion - where the 'free men' live - was also a part of the Matrix, and just constructed for the express purpose of providing "choice" (NOTE FROM WARCHOWZSKY BROS: 'CHOICE' IS IMPORTANT PHILOSOPHICAL CONCEPT! USE IT IN MOVIE!) for the few people smart enough to figure out that they were actually living inside a computer simulation. It made them feel that they could escape from the Matrix and rebel against it while they, in fact, were trapped indside it all along. Just on a "different level", or some shit. I don't know.
I have no idea if the third movie reveals if Zion actually is "real" or not. I couldn't care less about it if i tried. The second one was so horrendous that it insulted my intelligence. All the so-called "philosophical arguments" felt like they were stolen from some "Philosophy 101" -manual. And Keanu Reaves and his stone-faced so-called "acting"..! One word: UGH!
You know, "The best page in the Universe" has a pretty good suggestion for what could be done to enhance Keanu's acting ability. Check it out at: http://maddox.xmission.com/c.cgi?u=matrix2
Oh, and Mongo! Great review! My hat's off to you!
Cappy Ahab
11-21-2003, 08:32 AM
Oh wait a minute. Isn't the Third Matrix the one where it is revealed that the Matrix is really just a movie designed by computers in such a way that everyone watching the movie decides to pay 8 bucks to see the fourth one?
Brent
11-21-2003, 10:33 AM
Mongo sucks because he sent me to cabanaboy.com.
I'm still not over it. GGGHHH
King Mongo
11-21-2003, 10:45 AM
Originally posted by zer0
<snip>
I have no idea if the third movie reveals if Zion actually is "real" or not. I couldn't care less about it if i tried. The second one was so horrendous that it insulted my intelligence. All the so-called "philosophical arguments" felt like they were stolen from some "Philosophy 101" -manual. And Keanu Reaves and his stone-faced so-called "acting"..! One word: UGH!
<snip>
Dude, I have no idea what the third movie revealed, either. It's basically:
Fans: What is the Matrix?
Movie: If you need to ask, then you already know (dun dunh DUNNNN!!)
Fuck the Wachowski dick-eaters.
Originally posted by zer0
Oh, and Mongo! Great review! My hat's off to you!
That's good, right? Because I thought I read something somewhere about Swedish people having razor blades in the brims of their hats and they throw them at each other when they get angry.
King Mongo
11-21-2003, 10:47 AM
Originally posted by Cappy Ahab
Silly Mongo, Matrix are for squids!
Actually, I saw the Matrix (the first one) once on VHS when I was living in a trailer on the outskirts of civilization. A toddler had recently sat upon the video cassette player and dented it, so the audio was kind of off and the top sixth of the screen was bent (just like Beckham does it.)
I hear that it used some innovative special effects. Is this true?
I haven't bothered to see the other two Matrices because I no longer have the dented video cassette player (got my foot caught in it and accidentally smashed the facing). Are they any good? I mean, despite your somewhat "negative" review. I know Brent pays you to say bad things: that's a critic's job. I heard that the latest one has Barney in it!
Whee!
Wait...did you say something about Brent and pay?
Cappy Ahab
11-21-2003, 12:37 PM
Yeah, something like $75/article, but I waived my fees in exchange for lucrative Dwarf Lover cameos.
King Mongo
11-21-2003, 01:02 PM
That must be what those makeout sessions are for then--well, no more kissing Brent, I'd rather have the cash.
Boy, if I had a picture of Cappy, every Dwarflover would be chock full of Cappy goodness.
I'm going to have these notes of his analyzed and find out all about him. Hmm, written on Lord of the Rings calendars and sent in Protestant Themed envelopes. I think I know who he is!
Cappy Ahab
11-24-2003, 07:43 AM
Nope. I'm not C.S. Lewis.
A-ha! Only C.S. Lewis would claim he's not C.S. Lewis when the name has yet to be mentioned! You are ruined C.appy S.hab Lewis!
C.S Lewis never came out of the closet. I'm not lion!
Cappy Ahab
11-25-2003, 07:57 AM
You'll never cameo me alive!
Right? Right? Get it? I dare you to cameo my inscrutable self, because I am impossible for a lowly cartoonist to cameo. No one would even try unless he were the most daring man in the world.
And unbelievably handsome.
Are you talking about me?
You know, I'm gonna draw some comics for NA!P eventually... I might give you a cameo in one of those...
Yes... Yes! I rather believe that I will!
MWAH HAH HAH HAH HA HA HAA!
Brent
12-01-2003, 02:42 PM
Speaking of The Matrix and comics, I picked up "The Matrix Comics" graphic novel that just came out. Sweet stuff, especially the Neil Gaiman short story. Get it! GO!
Cappy Ahab
12-01-2003, 03:25 PM
The cool thing is that it isn't really a graphic novel. The Matrix just made it up so you think you are reading a graphic novel about the Matrix so you believe that the Matrix, while cool, is just pretend but really it is real.
The graphic novel proves it. Anyone who "reads it"will unwittingly be reading Belly Laughs: The Unfinished Memoirs of Fatty Arbuckle (http://www.ralphmag.org/fatty.html) instead.
Nicole
12-02-2003, 03:28 AM
Ooh, Goliath (http://whatisthematrix.warnerbros.com/cmp/neil_g.html)?
I HEART NEIL.
Cappy Ahab
12-02-2003, 07:21 AM
I CLUB WHALES.
The Grinch
12-02-2003, 09:46 AM
I SPADE MY CAT.
Brent
12-02-2003, 10:57 AM
Yep, that's the one. Oh yeah, you can check out all these comics online. I forgot that part.
Cappy Ahab
12-03-2003, 03:00 PM
Okay, another thing about this movie(s) that I have not seen that really irritates me:
Okay, so the Matrix is a computer program, right? And Zion is a computer program for that .01% of the population that has realized that the Matrix is a computer program, but hasn't realized that Zion is another computer program designed to satisfy the rebellious urge of the "enlightened few." Right? But robots outside the Matrix or Zion (ostensibly in the real world) can plug into the Matrix and project themselves as human beings in either the Matrix or in Zion, right?
How stupid is that? If you are a freaking computer, plugging into a computer program, why the hell do you have to basically become a desktop icon in order to secretly navigate the Matrix? Why doesn't the robot just download the source code of the Matrix to figure out the inputs that the cocooned human feeders are sending to the Matrix? Sheesh.
What would have been a better idea is if the Matrix was a computer program designed for the enslavement of highly evolved meat-and-bean-stuffed tortilla wraps. And then, at the end, Canoe Reeves realizes once and for all that he is not a stupid, stupid human being but is in fact a tremendously intellectual burrito.
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