Not Amy or Unregistered

[Ken]

My wife, who substitute teaches three days a week, got a call this morning to come sub from the school district. Except the call didn't tell her to report to, say, Golden High School or Lakewood Middle School. It told her to report to "The Johnson Project." I asked her what that was, and she had no clue, except that the call said she'd be supervising community service and to "wear something sexy." Man, being a teacher would be cool.

[Jeff]

Amy is a prostitute?

[Brent]

That was me placing that call -- and when I say sexy, I don't mean my old Stanford sweatshirt you stole back in high school.

[Ken]

Hey, that sweatshirt is as see-through as a negligée now. Talk about sexy.

Molly actually thinks the "Johnson Project" is some sort of special education thing. So maybe we'll at least get some good Future Retard material from it.

[Brent]

Hmm... I gues tards need sexy, too. I know I do!

[Cappy Ahab]

For God's sakes man, don't let her go!

The Johnson Project is a top-secret government program , also known as "Sun Spectroscopy: Composition of the Sun," headed by Janthina Johnson. By comparing the sun's spectrum to spectra of known atomic systems, which she also analyzed, she could identify some of the major components of the sun.

It won second prize at the Pennsylvania Junior Academy of Science fair.

This "substitute" assignment means certain doom for your wife Gloria! Gather a team of renegade misfits, STAT! It's Jane's only chance!

Don't believe me? Just check out this
confidential electronic pamphlet (http://www.cmu.edu/mcs/about-mcs/news/030527-milliones.html) for verification. Your sweet Lana is in danger, grave danger!

[Ken]

Damn. Turned out is was just a second-chance school for kids who had been expelled from real high school. So no retard stories.

There was one semi-amusing anecdote. When Molly reported for duty this morning, the office staff started telling Molly about the school and all the problems the kids had. They told her, "it's okay to be scared of them. Just don't show them that you're scared." What a great learning environment! Molly told them that she taught at a psychiatric hospital for four years, so there was nothing those kids could throw at her that she hadn't seen. Like feces.

[Brent]

I'm still wondering where "sexy" comes into this...

[Cappy Ahab]

Yes, that's just the story that your wife Helen's new brain told her mouth to tell you.

tsk tsk. Another victim of the Johnson Project.

Troubled teens are awesome.

[Jeff]

Now it's only a matter of time before Molly starts buying Aluminum Foil at Costco and begins to tape record the microwave. She'll notice the neighbors satellite dish is pointed at your window instead of the sky. She'll write long and tedious tracts about how HAARP is controlling the weather and Project: Cloverleaf is destroying her health. She'll come back from the dentist with a whole new set of bridge work that she didn't really need. When she visits doctors, they won't let her see the x-rays anymore. She'll believe MKULTRA was never disbanded just sent into deeper secrecy and she'll see a Montauk investigation vehicle sitting across the street for hours on end while you, Ken, see nothing.

Don't let her watch The Manchurian Candidate. Keep her away from FX and all those X-Files reruns. Don't tell her she's crazy or it'll be proof that you're one of THEM.

Just start slipping the lithium into her Kool-Aid and don't let her go back to the Johnson Project. And don't purchase this month's copy of Oui.

[zer0]

Shush! Ixnay on the schzophrenia-ay! You're giving away-ay the Johnson project-ay! They-ay cannot know we-ay are manipul-ay-ting them! OK-ay?