My problem with this Forum.

[Studio8]

I didn't realize that you didn't have to register to post until after I registered. Needless to say, I am very upset and I am going to find out a way to unregister so I can say that I wasn't fooled by the fancy tricks here.

P.S. Anyone want to touch my face?

[zer0]

I already did when you were asleep. It had a kind of rancid consitency to it. Kinda like old butter. PS: I also placed my balls on your forehead.

[Jeff]

My problem with this forum is I thought we killed Studio1-7. Damn cloning technology.

[Brent]

Studio8's in the house!

Y'all read their shizzle, cuz it's mad hijinks (http://www.studio8.net/).

[Cappy Ahab]

I love Rock Me, Amadeus!

Oh wait. That's Falco.

Can't say I'm too familiar with this Studo fellow.

[Brent]

He keeps an online diary of the daily happening of his life (http://www.studio8.net/Articles/beingnice.html). Nonfiction truly is more interesting than that made up shit they call, well, whatever it's called.

[Cappy Ahab]

The New News, you mean?

[Brent]

Yep. Where's your next story, sir?

[Cappy Ahab]

Crap.

Well, since you rejected my Kelly Clarkson submission, I've been on a silent boycott. Glad you finally noticed.

Iona College Faces Tough Division I Drinking Season

DATELINE New Rochelle, New York

According to the prestigious Princeton Review, Iona College is ranked 117th, last among Division I party schools. To make matters more challenging, Iona has the 15th most difficult drinking schedule in the country.

Thurston Wensworth III, PhD and director of the Party School Rankings Division of the Princeton Review notes that several factors determined the placement of Iona.

"First of all, Iona lost 18 starters from last year's squad, 14 to graduation, and 4 to DUI. Freshman and junior college transfers are going to have to take up a lot of slack, and frankly, they aren't used to drinking at the Division I level. Also, there are no Blue Chunks recruits."

Ernie "Binge" Hagan, coach of the once-formidable Iona College varsity drinking squad doesn't put much faith in the ranking system.

"You won't catch us crying in our beers," slurred Hagan. "I tell you what, this freshman class has some veteran alcoholics. All of these kids have been drinking hard in the off season, and we may just have a few surprises in store."

Hagan also downplayed several of the ranking's measuring criteria, citing that strength of schedule accounted for only 5% of a school's score, whereas the often-deceptive blood-alcohol level index accounts for a whopping 20%.

"No, we aren't a 'power' party school with a long tradition, but we are looking to turn that corner. A good test of that will come early on, in a nationally televised non-conference kegger versus Colorado in the Mad Dog Classic. I can't tell you how excited I am for the season to start."

At that point, Hagan peed himself.

[Brent]

Sweeeeeet! Will be up tonight with a special photothingy and everthing. What's a "Blue Chunk recruit, "anyway??

[Cappy Ahab]

You know, as opposed to a "Blue Chip" recruit?

The best hockey teams always have at least one goon, a talentless moron who crushes the other teams best player for fun. The best basketball teams have an enforcer, someone who can make sure that the opposing finesse guys are quaking before every cut. Great football always has linebacker whose sole purpose in life is to decapitate quarterbacks, referees, cheerleaders or any mascot that gets in the way.

On drinking teams, this guy is the one who blew chunks and chased it with a gin gimlet.

Ergo: "Blue Chunks" recruit.

I thought you'd never ask.

[Brent]

All you had to do was mention Nick Nolte and Shaq Attack and I totally would have gotten it! Totally!

[Cappy Ahab]

Great, Mr. Editor. Thanks for running my thrilling lead only to link it to another Arnold story. I'm a journalist, for crying out loud! How long do you think I'll put up with this sort of treatment?

I bet you Clark Kent, Peter Parker or T.V.'s David Banner never had to put up with this kind of nonsense.

If you think I'm going to degrade myself again by submitting yet another work of art only to have it butchered by the likes of you, well...you are probably right. But I don't want you feeling very good about yourself.

[Brent]

Huh. I fixed that once before, but Jeff just told me it needed fixing again. Thus the fixed fix.

Oh, and your bit is currently NA!P's featured story on Humorfeed.com, so there and stuff.

Uhm... Write another!

[Cappy Ahab]

DATELINE WORCESTER, Massachusetts

Prosecutors investigating the prison death of defrocked priest John Geoghan are curious to know if a failure in security procedures may have contributed to a prison environment that allowed a mass-murdering neo-Nazi who hated homosexuals and frequently killed other inmates convicted of pedophilia the opportunity to slay the otherwise innocent molester.

Joseph L. Druce is accused of strangling Geoghan to death on Saturday at the Souza-Baranowski Correctional Center in Shirley.

"It is too soon to tell, but we probably shouldn't have given Druce all those guns and nooses," state Assistant Public Safety Secretary Eugene Barnacle said Monday. "We cannot escape the fact that an inmate was murdered while in the care of the Department of Correction. Well, maybe we can escape it. An autopsy may show he had a heart attack. Maybe a bowel obstruction, if, indeed we ever find the deceased's intestinal tract."

Gov. Mitt Romney on Monday appointed a panel to conduct an independent investigation. Surveillance cameras filming the protective custody unit while the attack took place also are being reviewed, but have been rated MA for violence and brief nudity. "At least," said a spokesperson, "we think it was nudity. Might have been a porcelain toilet seat. These surveillance photos are pretty grainy."

Assistant District Attorney Dana "No Relation to T.V.'s" Plato said part of the investigation would try to determine why the prison went unstaffed for two weeks while the warden took his employees on a retreat to the Baltimore Orioles Fantasy Camp.

Hoyt Pootie, director of litigation for the prisoners' rights group Jail! What Is It Good For?, reported to the national prison newspaper The Doin' Times that seventeen prisoners at the facility had been slain by Druce in previous weeks, but none of them were even kind of famous.

Druce is believed to have acted alone, except for the massive supply of ammunition he received in a care package from People for Imprisoned Ex-Priest Assassination (PIEPA). At the time of this report, it was unclear whether the ammunition played any role in the death of Geoghan, or the subsequent prison revolution that has taken place at Souza-Baranowski.

When asked his opinion about the attack, Arnold Henry Sousa, descendant of famed American composer John Phillips Sousa, said, "Oh I get that all the time. It's a different Souza. With a 'z'. We don't have any prisons named after us."

[Brent]

That's what I'm talking about! It's like putting in a quarter and getting a newspaper, except it's only one story and I ain't putting in a quarter!

[Cappy Ahab]

DATELINE LOS ANGELES

Lt. Gov. Cruz Bustamante has announced the final candidates for his potential campaign slogan. If the citizens of California vote to recall Gray Davis, Bustamante has prepared the following possible slogans:

Cruz for Chicks! Vote Bustamante!
Lieutenant Schmootenant! Bustamante for Real Governor!
Bustamante? Why In Hell Not?
Bustamante: Power to the Fickle, Fickle People of California
Cruz Puts the Crat in Democrat!
A Vote for Bustamante is a Vote For Bustamante. Vote Bustamante!
Moustaches: No Longer Just for Petty Dictators.

In the spirit of Democracy, Bustamante has put these slogans to an internet poll. So far, Clay Aiken is leading by 104 million votes.

[Brent]

Too long, too long! So I made it a real article.

I'll get the other up tonight.

Don't stop now, you're on a roll!

[Cappy Ahab]

DATELINE ST. PAUL
In an unprecedented move, President George Bush announced at a fundraising speech at a downtown Krispy Kreme that, for the first time in the history of television, a major President and a major network would work together to flood the Saturday night schedule with interrelated quality programs based on exciting new federal policies.

First in ABC's Saturday prime time line up is "No Child Left Behind" a sitcom about preventing qualified teachers from affecting the learning process. Test audiences have reportedly gone so crazy for the program that pre-pilot merchandise sales are nearly 80% above industry expectations. "No Child" action figures, trading cards and casual wear lead the retail onslaught.(8pmET/7pmCentral)

Companion spin-off "No Child Left Ahead" deals with the outrageous middle class struggles of a bright and plucky teenager who fails to feign disinterest in World Literature class. (8:30pmET/7:30Central)

Finally, the hour long drama "No Teacher Left Intact" stars Jill Eikenberry as a burned out math teacher in the inner city who is inspired by one of her students to deal crack and run numbers. (9:00pm/8:00Central)

In his speech, Bush said "What's good for ABC is good for education. And what's good for education is good for the T.V. The T.V. has pictures on it what move."

[Brent]

Hey, I just saw this -- will get it up. Write me another!

[Brent]

This is VERY nice stuff. Extend it!

[Cappy Ahab]

Here is an article you should simply plagiarize wholesale and call your own:

Greek Discos Lure Baby Turtles to Their Death (http://www.cnn.com/2003/TECH/science/09/05/disco.turtles.reut/index.html)

[Cappy Ahab]

Leif Garrett's Anti-American Comments Taken Out of Context
DATELINE WYOMING OR KANSAS

Denying any anti-American sentiment, former rocker Leif Garrett said quotes attributed to him as likening the United States to "a country I live in" were inaccurate and taken out of context.

"I am an American. I'm almost certain of that. Either that or Alaskan. I love whichever country I live in and am positive that it has a bright future," Garrett said in a statement. "Or at least isn't going to dissolve into a bunch of mini-countries. Not that would be a bad thing. I actually prefer Butterfinger Minis (tm) to the honking regular Butterfinger (tm) candy bar. I have benefited a lot from my country. One time, I had a hit rock and roll record. I made nearly $50,000 that year. That was a lot of money in the seventies. Also, I've had numerous unpaid cameos in movies. For this I am eternally grateful."

Riding the wave of apologies from celebriteis for perceived anti-American comments, Garrett hoped to deflect attention from the controversy toward the promotion of his latest (as yet unnamed and unrecorded) new album, or his willingness to sign a candy bar endorsement contract for next to nothing.

Garrett's statement comes on the heels of a dwindling trend in Celebrity Anti-American Apology Statements, echoing the johnny-come-lately habit he introduced in his innovative but underappreciated new wave power ballad version of "Singin' In the Rain" off of 1979's Same Goes For You album, which went copper after only 118 weeks on or near the charts.

When asked by an online fan (Leif19345@yahoo.com) how he felt about missing the pop culture gravy train for a record 17th time since the advent of Devo, Garrett responded swiftly, as if he had a premonition of the question, or an already prepared statement.

"Hey," said Garrett, "It took Meatloaf almost twenty years to come up with Bat Out of Hell II. He had to go through a lot of Bat Out of Hell 1.1s and so on to get there!"

While assuring his fan or possible fans that his career "doesn't rebuild. It reloads," he also produced a flannel graph which indicated that over his decades-long career, that he had only actually been exposed to six and a half of the 15 minutes of fame allotted to him by Andy Warhol. "If I've done my math correctly, that leaves more than eight minutes of...Garrettime! That is, of course, if the Alaskan people will forgive me for any comments that I've made that have caused this horrible and newsworthy worldwide controversy."

Garrett issued the statement from his Leif19345@yahoo.com email account, presumably from a state with four legitimate corners.